sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
