cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
