Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
