you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
