Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
