Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
