So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
