piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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