I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
