I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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