dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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