You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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