make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
