I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
