he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
You smell like stripper and shame
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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