the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
