maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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