what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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