Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
