i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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