I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
