In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Church boner. Awkwardddd
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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