hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
