i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
