Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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