Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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