So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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