he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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