Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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