Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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