you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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