Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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