she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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