I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
