i think i scared a bird with my dick
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
