u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
