My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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