So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
