I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
