yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
