he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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