I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
