On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
