I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
