I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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