Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
