Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
