I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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