Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
