Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
