hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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