Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Pooping to opera.
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