fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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