my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
