I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
