when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
please don't ironically join a cult
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